I never wanted a girl

When I was growing up, I was always the tom boy. The one with scraped knees and dirt in my hair. I was the one in the trees and the one digging for worms under rocks. I didn't like Barbies (which was a bummer for my dad since he worked at Mattel-where Barbies are born). I didn't like everything to be pink. I  HATED the color purple. I had no desire to brush my hair or paint my nails. I argued that they would get dirty and messy anyway. I had a few good girl friends, but preferred to hang out with boys.

My main point is, I NEVER wanted a girl. I didn't want to suffer through playing with dolls and having tea parties. I didn't want to own any clothes or toys that were that Pepto Bismol pink color.

When I was pregnant with my son, I prayed for months, asking for a boy. I wanted the dirt and the worms and the noises that came with boys. I wanted all the cars and tools and sports. Once I found out that he was indeed a boy, I would read this verse over and over every night: 1 Samuel 1:27 "I prayed for this boy, and the Lord has given me what I asked of Him." I was more than overjoyed. I wanted nothing more than to decorate with the blues and reds and blacks and buy all the cute little monster clothes. 

Fast forward to my second pregnancy. I, again, prayed and prayed that prayer for a little boy. I wanted a house full of boys. All loud and messy and constantly making me crazy! 
The day came for us to have the ultrasound to find out if my prayers would once again be answered. To my utter dismay, they were not. I was pregnant with a little girl. My thoughts raced with all the things I would have to do! The girlie toys, the obsessions with boys, the period talk, the bras and the tampons and the gossip! I know how hard it is to be a girl. I know the rules society has set for us. I know its not fun to be picked on by the "popular" girls. I know how mean we can be. I know how mean boys can be! And as I grew bigger and bigger in my pregnancy, those were my worries. How would I bring her up to not feed into the lies and rules about what a perfect beautiful girl is? 

I began to accept that my house would not be filled with boys, but also have a little girl as well. I began to be okay with the pinks and the butterflies and the flowers that came with having a baby girl.

But I was not prepared to have this girls life in danger. I was not prepared to face the fact that I might NOT be able to do all those things with her in the future. And now, oh God, now all I want are those things. 
I lay next to her this morning, looking at her little face. Her little hands and her little feet. My mind races with all the things I want for her. That nasty little voice in the back of my mind reminds me that she may not be here in my forever. And my mind screams! But wait! Wait! I want to have tea parties! I want to paint her nails a million times a day! I will brush her hair and learn how to do every kind of braid there is! I will buy every pink toy on God's green earth! I will paint rainbows and butterflies and flowers all over the walls! 
I kick myself for every moment I wished she had been a boy. I kick myself because those were moments not spent thinking of things to do with her. Those were moments wishing I wouldn't HAVE to do any of these things! 
And now I get on my knees and I pray for these things. I pray she will grow. I pray she will be old enough for me to teach her about boys. Old enough to "become a woman" and get her period. Old enough to ask me about why girls are so mean. And I will teach her all the things that have made me strong. I will teach her that she is beautiful no matter what any of those people say. I will teach her that her differences make her who she is. I will show her everything that is amazing about her. I want to watch her grow into a better woman than I am. I want to watch her be amazing and move mountains and be as fierce as she can. I want to see her live. I want to see her love. 
Please please give me that chance. Please don't take her from me before I can learn how to be a mother of a daughter. 

I have been blessed with the most amazing, beautiful daughter that I never wanted. 

And now, I couldn't imagine my life without her.